I had a really nice night with Valrek.
I guess I’ll have to thank Nathan…
I had a nice night. Valrek’s a nice guy, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for this again.
Not that I don’t like him. I’m just afraid if this won’t work out. That, and he has a beard.
I’ve been charged by the Order with researching information about the Blue Dragonflight. Angry dragons who seem to now want to kill anything who even have traces of arcane magic. Fun times.
Kar’lei now leads the Syndicate of Secrets. Nothing suprising, really. Though I’m sure everyone expected Alkaiser to lead. But seeing as how he didn’t wish to lead after the Silverguard and the Shattered Phoenix both fell, it was inevitable that the position of leadership would change hands. Though, I could’ve been wrong. Like I had been about a lot of things. Like
Ras’ar and IAlkaiser and ICephyr and Imy lifeevery single fucking thing I seem to have encountered in my entire life.I’ve been quick to anger lately and I hate it. I hate feeling disgusted when I talk to certain people. I hate the fact my mouth keeps slipping and blurts out all the sharp and nasty words that I don’t want people to hear. I hate myself for bottling myself to the point where all this stuff is happening.
Maybe it all has to do with my mana crystals or something. Maybe my enchanting materials have come into contact with them and have been tainting the crystals or something.
Or maybe I am just fed up with every damn thing. I think I’ve lost the ability to feel disappointed. Either that or disgust has been showing up where ‘disappointment’ is supposed to be.
Fuck it all.
A small drawing appears here and under it, a small block of text is scrawled. It has little to do with the picture, however.
“What’s on your mind?” I wish people would stop asking me that. Every time I hear that goddamn question, my mouth is almost too quick for me to catch and seal up nice and tight.
I’m worried that I’m wrong about everything I once believed in. I’m worried that I’m obsolete and will be replaced. I’m worried that all my romantic relationships in the past are a(n) precursor/omen as to how the rest of my life will be. I’m worried that I’ll end up killing myself soon.
I’m worried my emotions’ll make me explode like an engineering machine. Haha. The irony.
Filed under: reflection
Another person sacrificed himself for the Lich King today in the middle of Silvermoon’s Royal Exchange. I don’t quite understand it myself, why so many people have been proclaiming ‘Glory for the Lich King’ and whatnot. Mostly Sin’Dorei, too. It’s quite unnerving. But to be perfectly honest, I’ve grown numb to it and I think most of Silvermoon has, too.
It feel nice – almost refreshing – to have grown numb to something. I don’t care, and the feeling of such takes such a heavy weight off of one’s shoulders.
If only I could become numb to everything. Things would be so much easier.
A large gap of blank space is seen without text. Finally at the bottom of the page, a single line is written in hasty lettering.
I wouldn’t have to feel betrayed by everyone and everything.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Verrin asked me why I haven’t been talking to Mazikeen… I’m sure he knows why, but I’m not so sure of it myself. Maybe I was wrong. She wouldn’t do that, right?
Perhaps I’m just lying to myself… I hope that’s not it.
I’ve been having terrifying dreams lately – the kind that always seem to wake me in cold sweats. I hadn’t had dreams in a while, since my mind’s rarely place itself in the position where I can rest easily. For the first time in weeks, it seems, I’ve finally been able to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. I should’ve known the good couldn’t have lasted too long.
I dreamed that I was destroying everyone around me. I was enraged, crazy for blood, even and at the same time, I felt elated and happy that I was killing. It was terrifying, especially since it felt as if I’d actually experienced such hate and anger before. I was skulking around the Keep, blasting the minds of everyone who crossed my path. There was another me, as well, following all the while, and whispering words that only seemed to fuel my rage even more. She’d follow me, and with every person I’d killed, she’d stab the bodies with daggers that had paper hearts taped to their hilts. Each and every heart had a name written on it: mine.
I don’t know what this means, but I think it’s a premonition… Something’s bad’s going to happen. I can almost feel it.
Filed under: Uncategorized
My eye’s healing rather nicely. There are still small bits of tissue that have yet to heal, but I don’t think I’ll need to keep the bandages on for too much longer. Granted, I don’t think it’ll be just as ‘pretty’ as it was before, but it’s better than having a giant patch of fel-corrupted flesh on half of my face.
The color has spread to my eye, though… A good amount of black covers the green and white of my eyeball. I look demonic. I can’t see as clearly, but at least I can still see. And that’s good enough for now, I suppose.
My thistle plant sprouted another bud.
Verrin and I finally got to talking last night. I was right. It was about Mazikeen. But there was a bit more to it than just talking about their break-up and how Verrin
still loved her and all thatwas a bit conflicted on why they parted ways. “She thinks I’m a liability,” he said. I didn’t know what to say.What the hell was I supposed to saYes, you arNo, you’re no-I was no help at all – I told him what mattered most was what he thought, and apparently he didn’t know how he was supposed to think and feel either. People have been talking to him, apparently. Some say for him to ‘walk on his own’ while others say that he needs to ‘lean on me’.I find it all stupid, really.We eventually got on the subject of feeling lost – how the feeling of not knowing what to live for anymore kind of makes one feel so insignificant. “I used to live for revenge. Then I lived for Mazikeen.”
Why am I the one who always listens and be reminded of how happy people were when it comes to love?I honestly don’t remember what my purpose was. Did I ever really have one?Why did I ever join the Silverguard? “Because it seems fun.” At least, that’s what I first told Arathael when I filled out the application. I joined on a whim. I didn’t expect them to take me in. I had no abilities for combat, I had no military background. It was pity, I’m sure. I existed to help and heal those wounded. And I did do so, for a while.
But after my absence and coming back, I can’t help but feel like I’m no longer needed; my purpose has gone away and has been taken up by some other person, Miss Tamrin. They all managed fine without me those several weeks I was away. Why? Because Miss Tamrin was there to take my place. Her potential for healing… It’s much better than mine. I think I’ve gotten as ‘powerful’ as I can be. Whereas
she’s much more of what the Syndicatshe has much more room to grow and become stronger. I can’t compare. I’ve become obsolete.I told Verrin this, and he said that we’ll all experience the feeling of wondering whether or not we’re obsolete. Younger generations will grow and become stronger – stronger than we are, perhaps – and we’ll be the ones that need to teach them. I have nothing to teach them – no wisdom to pass along other than, ‘Don’t make the same mistakes I did’. And even that’s a bit too
embarassingdepressing to say. “I don’t feel needed anymore,” I told him.“I need you – not for your power. But for your support.” Those words made me a little happier, but the dread feeling came back and sucked that away. There are better listeners than me. Ones with better opinions and guidance than I can offer.
I feel so useless.
A few days ago, several of us took a trip to Winterspring so we could all talk to Verrin regarding some individual matters when it came to our roles within the Syndicate of Secrets.
I had little to discuss with Verrin, really, since he wouldn’t talk about what was on his mind – namely why he asked me to speak with him a week or so ago. I’m guessing it has something to do with Mazikeen and their break-up. I don’t really know what I should say to him when the topic comes up, I honestly don’t. I’m not the best when it comes to relationships; that fact should be obvious by now.
What we did discuss, however, was the ‘buddy system’ that Verrin had imposed on the guild while I was, erm, ‘indisposed’. This system, he said, was made so that we can understand each others’ strengths and weaknesses when it comes to combat as well as get to know each other on an individual level. It’s a nice idea, but at the same time I don’t see it as very necessary. I don’t like imposing on other people when they don’t feel like opening up.
I was originally paired with Vistor, a warlock. I barely know him though I did attend his and Alinor’s wedding a few months back. I wouldn’t mind getting to know him, but just being near Fel magic just makes me ill. I suppose Miss Tamrin realized this, as she spoke up to Verrin on my behalf. She told him that it wouldn’t be in my best interest to be in the vicinity of such strong Fel magic, especially when I was still recovering.
Verrin seemed to understand, and decided to pair me with another ‘buddy’. I am now paired with a Druid named Basi, a former pirate. “You can talk about gardening and healing magics,” he said (well, something to that effect, at least). I’m stupefied. I’m willing to give it a try, but this new set up seems much more ridiculous, to be honest.
Filed under: Alkaiser, Mazikeen, Silvermoon, doubts, heartache, reflection
This small entry is hastily scratched below the one above it, the penmanship is much shakier than usual, as if the writer was using a great deal of control and force over the quill. A few wet dots splatter here and there on the page, wrinkling the paper slightly while leaving watermarks.
I don’t know how to think, speak, or feel anymore. I should be happy for them, right? I should be happy that they both found what they’ve wanted this whole time. They’re my friends, aren’t they? I should be happy for them.
I should be happy for them.
But I’m not.
Every time I look at either of them, my stomach churns and I feel sick and nauseated. I’m not happy for them like I’m supposed to be. I’m angry and hurt. I feel like screaming, crying, exploding. I feel like I’m barely holding myself back from doing something I know I’ll regret. I feel betrayed. I hate feeling this way.
I don’t know who I can talk to… and whether or not I’ll be able to talk about it at all. I’m sick of being the mute victim.
I wish everything just went back to the way they were originally.
