Recollections of a Light

Verrin and I finally got to talking last night. I was right. It was about Mazikeen. But there was a bit more to it than just talking about their break-up and how Verrin still loved her and all that was a bit conflicted on why they parted ways. “She thinks I’m a liability,” he said. I didn’t know what to say. What the hell was I supposed to sa Yes, you ar No, you’re no- I was no help at all – I told him what mattered most was what he thought, and apparently he didn’t know how he was supposed to think and feel either. People have been talking to him, apparently. Some say for him to ‘walk on his own’ while others say that he needs to ‘lean on me’. I find it all stupid, really.

We eventually got on the subject of feeling lost – how the feeling of not knowing what to live for anymore kind of makes one feel so insignificant. “I used to live for revenge. Then I lived for Mazikeen.” Why am I the one who always listens and be reminded of how happy people were when it comes to love? I honestly don’t remember what my purpose was. Did I ever really have one?

Why did I ever join the Silverguard? “Because it seems fun.” At least, that’s what I first told Arathael when I filled out the application. I joined on a whim. I didn’t expect them to take me in. I had no abilities for combat, I had no military background. It was pity, I’m sure. I existed to help and heal those wounded. And I did do so, for a while.

But after my absence and coming back, I can’t help but feel like I’m no longer needed; my purpose has gone away and has been taken up by some other person, Miss Tamrin. They all managed fine without me those several weeks I was away. Why? Because Miss Tamrin was there to take my place. Her potential for healing… It’s much better than mine. I think I’ve gotten as ‘powerful’ as I can be. Whereas she’s much more of what the Syndicat she has much more room to grow and become stronger. I can’t compare. I’ve become obsolete.

I told Verrin this, and he said that we’ll all experience the feeling of wondering whether or not we’re obsolete. Younger generations will grow and become stronger – stronger than we are, perhaps – and we’ll be the ones that need to teach them. I have nothing to teach them – no wisdom to pass along other than, ‘Don’t make the same mistakes I did’. And even that’s a bit too embarassing depressing to say. “I don’t feel needed anymore,” I told him.

“I need you – not for your power. But for your support.” Those words made me a little happier, but the dread feeling came back and sucked that away. There are better listeners than me. Ones with better opinions and guidance than I can offer.

I feel so useless.